I’m on board! Now what?
Okay, so you’re aware there’s an issue. You want more balance and connection. Now what? Let’s go over a few ways you can put the work in to show up more fully and gain a deeper understanding of yourself and one another.
Invest energy in the mental load - The mental load is the planning, organizing, researching, and engineering that happens invisibly to make a household run smoothly. It’s the mental configuring of which tasks need to come before or after others, considering how much time each task will take, and sorting priorities. Imagine someone’s trying to put together a whole meal and figure out what temp the oven needs to be at, plan for how long the onions will take, and consider when to start the rice so it’s all done at the same time. There’s mental energy in that. Start by getting on the same page about what tasks actually make up a life. You can use this list of Fair Play tasks here or you can download the Persist web app, which includes a whole household breakdown and gives you prompts to get straight on the details.
If you haven’t been in on the mental planning, be open to hearing all about what it takes. Ask questions. Take notes. Take on a task and then ask for input. Someone in your household is doing the mental labor of figuring out how things should be done and they’re having to make thoughtful decisions every day. This should be a shared responsibility. At the very least - this should be a responsibility you consciously put on one person’s plate without assuming they’ll handle it.
Decisions and planning is a massive part of what it takes to create a quality of life that aligns with what makes you all happy - so get involved! Put a weekly meeting on the calendar and use it as a time to talk through the mental load, make decisions, and collaborate. Come to the table open and ready to gain a better understanding of one another.
For help having these conversations, check out this collaborative conversation guide!
Practice emotional skills - Empathy is a skill that needs to be learned. Practice it! Emotional labor is the mental labor it takes to maintain relationships, tend to emotional needs and self-regulate. Imagine a toddler is screaming and crying - emotional labor would look like taking deep breaths, getting down on their level and giving them a hug or staying calm to help de-escalate. Emotional labor involves considering your own emotions and someone else’s emotions at the same time, then deciding how to react and communicate in a way that protects the relationship. If you and your partner both have hurt feelings, you can practice emotional labor by considering how you can tend to their needs in the moment. When both partners practice this, you create a safer environment and allow for more vulnerability.
Self-regulation is incredibly important - for yourself and for your relationships. In an article from verywellmind.com by Arlin Cuncic, MA, she provides the following tips for practicing self-regulation:
Recognize that in every situation you have three options: approach, avoidance, and attack. While it may feel as though your choice of behavior is out of your control, it's not. Your feelings may sway you more toward one path, but you are more than those feelings.
Become aware of your emotions. Do you feel like running away from a difficult situation? Do you feel like lashing out in anger at someone who has hurt you?
Monitor your body to get clues about how you are feeling if it is not immediately obvious to you. For example, a rapidly increasing heart rate may be a sign that you are entering a state of rage or even experiencing a panic attack.
Check out Rose Hackman’s Emotional Labor. It’s wonderful!
Get used to not knowing - Life’s full of ongoing learning. A commitment to being open to growth and change is important! Domestic labor skills are learned. Emotional skills are learned. Read or listen to audiobooks, follow influencers who model the kind of relationships and behavior you’d like to embody, connect with your peers and process together. Be open to asking for input and researching things you’d like to learn more about. I highly recommend checking out bell hooks The Will To Change and All About Love and Liz Plank’s For The Love Of Men.
