It’s more than just a party
Getting married might be one of the first stressful experiences a couple goes through. And it can be really stressful. In a 2018 Zola study, 96% of surveyed couples said the planning was stressful and about 40% said it was extremely stressful! It’s not just picking menus and floral arrangements, it’s also the metaphorical iceberg of invisible labor and mental and emotional labor that goes along with each and every choice. The way you and your partner communicate around wedding planning is an incredible predictor for how you’ll communicate throughout your partnership. Instead of falling into antiquated hetero-normative gender roles that end up overwhelming and creating resentment, it’s the perfect time to equip yourself with effective communication tools.
In writing her book Fair Play, Eve Rodsky asked a brilliant research question: “How did the mustard get in the fridge?”
The answers varied, but it so beautifully illustrated how the breadth of a task is often understood differently between partners. It’s a wonderful jumping off point for beginning to shed light on invisible labor and what really goes in to each task. As for the mustard, the one responsible for getting the mustard into the fridge has to consider the following: How much mustard is currently in the fridge? Are there any special meals coming up? Are there any food preferences or aversions? Which store carries which kind? Who has time to get groceries and get them home by the time we need them? How does the food budget look this week? Do we have any coupons? Physically putting the mustard in the fridge is a tiny piece of a much larger task.
For a newly engaged couple, I might ask: “Who picked the cake?”
If both partners were at the taste testing, it’s likely that they’d consider it a joint effort. But who researched the cake options, called friends and got personal references? Who cross referenced schedules or used up lunch breaks to book the taste testing? Who considered in-laws, allergies and budget? Who did the mental labor of prioritizing aspects of the wedding to design the budget in the first place?
What I absolutely love about the Fair Play method is that it demands that we see every task for what it really is. The majority of young couples believe in gender equality at home and at work, but don’t quite haven’t found the tools to implement it at home. Our society tells us that tells us we are only as valuable as we are productive - especially through paid labor. We use money as a measure for what is valuable and so i turn, we chronically undervalue the most essential labor: care, connection and domestic tasks. Domestic labor is labor. Mental labor is labor. And it’s valuable.
So what can we do about this? Arm ourselves with systems to clearly communicate, hold boundaries and find balance. Just like at work, clear expectations and explicitly defined roles means less stress more autonomy. Wedding planning means a million moving pieces and so if you’re taking on the task of learning new communication tools amidst the chaos, start small. Try scheduling a 1 hour check in once or twice a week to talk about domestic labor and event planning tasks. Book it at a time where you’re well rested(not the end of a stressful day) and clear headed(not 3 drinks deep)! In other words, low emotion, high cognition(one of my fave Fair Play terms).
Once you set up a regularly scheduled check-in time, remember that you’re meeting together to reconnect, communicate and work toward a common goal. Assume positive intent, breathe through any stressful moments and use the time to compliment one another, assess your needs and get on the same page. This is a time to talk about who is going to be responsible for certain tasks until the next check in. As you discuss, keep in mind that whoever takes on a task should take on the whole task.
Every task has three essential parts: Conception, planning and execution. Let’s call it the CPE.
The conception of a task is the anticipation of the task needing to be done. It’s the noticing, surveying and identifying of a need.
The planning is figuring out what needs to be done, considering all of the details and bringing in the opinions of all necessary stakeholders.
The execution is making it happen.
Partners who tend to “help out” a lot are usually doing the execution piece but leaving the conception and planning to their partners. Having a discussion with your partner about what it means to take full responsibility of the CPE of a task is a game changing paradigm shift. Before considering the CPE, it would be easy to “hand off” a task to a loving partner who then waits around for you to nudge them along step by step. Owning the CPE means you’re the lead. If it’s your task to get the cake, it’s your responsibility to check the date it needs to be booked by, research references, book tastings, consult with family and friends on allergies and consult your partner on their preferences. If it’s your task and you need help, ask for it. Don’t forget to include your partner in the planning(bring them to taste test, ask their opinion), but otherwise it remains one person’s responsibility. Maybe you’re thinking, “Oh no, but they’re going to drop the ball if I let them do it.”
Handing off tasks is about empowering your partner and holding boundaries around your time. Trust them, but also set yourself up for success by clearly agreeing on the minimum standard of care. Let’s call it the MSC.
The MSC is where you get to talk through what matters and why. Maybe you’re classic cake people and you both want a 7 layer custom cake because it’s always been your dream to showcase such a sweet masterpiece during your big day. Maybe neither of you care much about the look of the cake as long as it’s delicious. Discuss your expectations and talk talk talk about your expectations. This isn’t a time for one person to direct the other. It’s time to agree on what matters to you as a couple.
You and your partner might agree that food is the most important aspect of your wedding but disagree on how much of the budget should go to clothes or music. Talk about your “why.” Listen to them while they tell you theirs. Do you want to spend more on the dress because you plan to put together a memory book of photos that you imagine looking through with your grandkids? Do you want to spend more on a DJ because your best memories revolve around music festivals and shows? Talk about your values and get your partner on board. It might feel like you’re over-communicating, but it’s really just practicing healthy and direct communication in lieu of communicating through anger and resentment later on. Consider the Fair Play method an up-front investment of energy in order to provide your partnership with a strong foundation.
Once you have a discussion about what CPE means and begin to communicate around the MSC, you’re on your way to embedding these communication tools into your routine. Simply having shared language around mental labor can improve how you begin to distribute it.
The CPE and the MSC of things like venue, music or food can be relatively cut and dry, but what does this look like when navigating the invisible labor of family dynamics like who to invite, where to seat them and who is entitled to make certain decisions? This decision making will be unique to your situation but with established communication tools, it’ll be a lot easier. At its absolute core, the Fair Play Method is about clear and explicit communication around values and expectations. It’s about rejecting defaulting and assumptions around domestic, mental and emotional labor. Instead of just doing it yourself and communicating in anger later on, discuss expectations explicitly and clearly before it becomes an issue.
Wedding planning is stressful, yes, but it doesn’t have to overwhelm one partner more than the other. It also doesn’t need to create a foundation of resentments upon which you build your life together. Learning communication tools before you take your vows is giving yourselves a real gift that you can carry with you throughout your marriage. Your communication around your big day is a great indicator of how you’ll communicate throughout the other aspects of your partnership. Start off strong.
More on the Fair Play Method, pick up the book, attend a workshop or to set up a consult call!
